After years of telling his friends and family not to worry about him because he “had a plan”, 35 year old unemployed man Dave Westmead has finally admitted he doesn’t.
Mr Westmead, who is single, still living with his parents and known as “a bit of a pot head”, said that for many years he even convinced himself he had a plan. But, while trying to implement a plan on his 30th birthday, he realised he didn’t have one and has since found it easier to simply keep telling people he did.
When asked if he thinks his son will ever have a plan, Mr Westmead’s Father said there wasn’t much chance. “No way”, said 64-year-old Maurice Westmead. “I used to think he was lying on the couch all day waiting for the right moment to put his plan into action, but now he’s admitted he hasn’t got one it all makes sense”.
“Once he’s thought about it a bit more he’ll be fine”, said Dave’s bedraggled Mother, bringing her son a large bowl of ice cream.
Following a get together with some man yesterday, President Ronald Trumps was said to be in good spirits, stating that the meeting with the man went really great. “I loved that man”, said Mr Trumps, adding that he especially liked the man’s suit, because it was exactly the same as his. The man he was meeting with is believed to have said something too.
Following the meeting Mr Trumps got up, walked over to a corner of the room, squatted down and shat out a huge gold bullion, as the man stood by acting awkward. One of the man’s assistants said, “Christ, that’s a bit fucking weird isn’t it?”, but the man told him to keep it down.
Scientists studying the level of trouble the world is in at the moment have revealed it’s “a lot”, with some suggesting it may even be “shit loads”.
Global warming, famine, unprecedented political instability and the threat of nuclear war has seen the world sink deeper and deeper into “really big trouble” every year since records were kept.
Projected figures predict the world’s level of trouble will reach, “a godawful” amount in less than a year and be a “shitting fuck pile” of trouble before its ultimate, horrible end 18 months from now.
A new device that allows real human beings to simulate licking their cat, officially signals the end of humanity, reports suggest.
Researchers agree that humans have possibly reached their lowest evolutionary point in 10,000 years. “We could only get lower if people started using that thing to lick their dog’s balls”, said a well known historian.
“Humans have done some stupid shit over the years, but nothing this fucked”, said another.
Officials have warned everyone on earth to expect the end of humanity within days.
Ronald Trumps speaks stuff…