They said it


New cooking show slightly delays certain death of commercial TV. 

The inevitable demise of  free to air commercial TV has been slightly delayed for one station by the new cooking show, ‘I’m a Cook You’re a Cook’. The new show, with the unique idea of pitting teams of amateur cooks against each other in a series of cooking challenges, has rated just well enough to stop at least one network from going down the gurgler for maybe a week.

‘I’m a Cook, You’re a Cook’ pits teams of amateur cooks against each other in a series of cooking challenges

TV execs have been at a loss to explain why ad free, intelligent television shows, that don’t treat the audience like a pack of morons, are dragging viewers away from mindless reality shows that pit teams of amateur cooks against each other in a series of cooking challenges.

“We’ve tried other stuff too”, said one high profile television executive. “Souless dating shows, mind insulting renovation shows, first draft, poorly directed mini series’ about famous people from the 80s, but nothing seems to work”.

‘Cook, Cook, Cookity, Cook, Cook’ pits teams of amateur cooks against each other in a series of cooking challenges

Another TV executive, from a rival  station, speaking at the launch of their new show ‘Cook, Cook, Cookity Cook, Cook’, which pits teams of amateur cooks against each other in a series of cooking challenges said, “Christ, I hope this works!”





Malcolm Turnbull admits he loves worms

Malcolm passionately talks about worms

Malcolm Turnbull might be Australia’s Prime Minister, no one knows, but we do know what he likes, and that’s worms!

Reports say Malcolm has over 30,000 worms in his collection and numbers are growing. He may have let the country down but not his great Grandfather who gave young Malcolm the worm collecting bug when he was just a spineless little boy. “Don’t worry about what people think of you”, said great Grandpa Turnsey. “Just keep collecting worms”.

Part of Malcolm’s extensive worm collection

Those words stuck with Malcolm his entire life, throughout the period everyone thought he was a decent bloke right up until now. Malcolm didn’t care what anyone thought when he changed his view on everything, he only cared about worms.

Malcolm Turnbull is an inspiration to all of us and, of course, anyone who loves worms.


35 year old man finally admits he doesn’t have a plan

After years of telling his friends and family not to worry about him because he “had a plan”, 35 year old unemployed man Dave Westmead has finally admitted he doesn’t.

Dave Westmead has never had a plan

Mr Westmead, who is single, still living with his parents and known as “a bit of  a pot head”, said that for many years he even convinced himself he had a plan. But, while trying to implement a plan on his 30th birthday, he realised he didn’t have one and has since found it easier to simply keep telling people he did.

When asked if he thinks his son will ever have a plan, Mr Westmead’s Father said there wasn’t much chance. “No way”, said 64-year-old Maurice Westmead. “I used to think he was lying on the couch all day waiting for the right moment to put his plan into action, but now he’s admitted he hasn’t got one it all makes sense”.

“Once he’s thought about it a bit more he’ll be fine”, said Dave’s bedraggled Mother, bringing her son a large bowl of ice cream.


Ronald Trumps says meeting with man went really great

President Ronald Trumps and some man

Following a get together with some man yesterday, President Ronald Trumps was said to be in good spirits, stating that the meeting with the man went really great. “I loved that man”, said Mr Trumps, adding that he especially liked the man’s suit, because it was exactly the same as his. The man he was meeting with is believed to have said something too.

Following the meeting Mr Trumps got up, walked over to a corner of the room, squatted down and shat out a huge gold bullion, as the man stood by acting awkward. One of the man’s assistants said, “Christ, that’s a bit fucking weird isn’t it?”, but the man told him to keep it down.


Study finds world in a lot of trouble

Report reveals world is in a spot of bother

Scientists studying the level of trouble the world is in at the moment have revealed it’s “a lot”, with some suggesting it may even be “shit loads”. 

Global warming, famine, unprecedented political instability and the threat of nuclear war has seen the world sink deeper and deeper into “really big trouble” every year since records were kept.

Projected figures predict the world’s level of trouble will reach, “a godawful” amount in less than a year and be a “shitting fuck pile” of trouble before its ultimate, horrible end 18 months from now.